Sunday, February 21, 2021

Comment Wall

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 My Story Portfolio

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I thought this would be funny, sorry (Source)

Here's what the portfolio looks like in its current state. (Screenshot by me)


  1. Hi Drew!

    I just read your first story in your portfolio.

    I must say I loved that twist, it resembles the "it was all a dream" cliche, but in a good way, there was a purpose behind the simulation, where there isn't usually a purpose to the waking up from the dream cliche. I thought it was very well executed. "The Eden Project" is also a killer name.

    One thing I am a bit confused on though is how quickly Adam gave into Eve trying to tempt him with the apple. Why is he so willing to please her before God? He hasn't exhibited that behavior before. Maybe if you spun the narrative so that Eve was being a bit more persuasive instead of Adam just immediately giving in it would flow a bit better. Also, in your author's note you mentioned the possibility for more development after Adam and Eve woke up, but you ran out of room. Personally I am very curious about that development and I think that earlier parts of the story could be sacrificed in order to give you more room at the end. Because Adam and Eve is a widely known story whereas your twist ending is entirely new and something I think more people would be interested in reading! Overall, great story!

  2. Hi Drew! Wow! What a fascinating retelling of Adam and Eve! There are two things here that I think you did particularly well: the expansion of the classic Biblical story kept me engaged and entertained, and the twist at the ending caught me off guard in the best of ways! I especially liked your addition of complexity to why Eve eats the fruit (in this case, because she feels she will be lesser than Adam without it). This story was so good that I don’t have many suggestions. There is a minor typo at the end of God’s final line of dialogue, which should have a quotation mark at the end but currently doesn’t. Also, I wasn’t fully satisfied with why Adam and Eve were separated for the first time—maybe there is some way you could make that separation more necessary, so that it makes more sense to me? Or perhaps you could change it so that Adam and Eve aren’t constantly together before this moment? I also found the shifts in perspective from Adam to Eve to back to Adam to be a little abrupt. Maybe consider separating these perspective changes with something like a space break? In your Author’s Note, you write that you ran out of space to include more backstory on the Eden Project. Perhaps you could expand on this really creative idea in future stories for this Portfolio? I’d be interested to see them, as well as any other stories you come up with!

  3. Hi Drew,
    I thought the retelling of Adam and Eve was decent, although I am not very familiar with it so it is hard for me to say. However, I did find the Eden Project side of the story very compelling. What sort of future does this world take place in, where there not only exists definitive proof of the Christian god, but the potential to go back and undo original sin? The author's note seems to indicate its doomed to fail, but would the researchers ever realize that, or are they doomed to be Sisyphus, pushing that proverbial boulder up a hill for all time? In your author's note, you said you ran out of space for more information on the Eden Project. Perhaps you could condense the Adam and Eve retelling to make room for it? I assume most of your audience is Christian or at least familiar with Christian myths, so maybe some of the details on that part of the story could be omitted. I understand if you would rather lean more into the retelling though. Judging by your author's note I don't think you wanted to make the sci-fi elements the focus of the story.

  4. Hi Drew! First off, great job with this story! You have the most put together story I have read so far and I think you really took the time and put in the effort to make this story so great so well done! As a Christian I am familiar with this story, however I am not sure that readers who are not Christian would be familiar with the story so maybe in the authors note you should add a little more there. The one thing I think you could have elaborated on a little more was why Adam was so quick to give into Eve. This would really add some depth to your story, unless of course you were not wanting your story to include that info for another reason. The ending of your story did seem a bit science fiction to me, so maybe just touch up that ending if that is not the tone you were going for, but overall very nice job with this story!

  5. Hey Drew,
    I enjoyed your story a lot. I am a little familiar with the story of Adam and Eve, so I thought it was a cool rendition of the original story, well done. Something to keep in mind is (and I know others may have commented already) to maybe elaborate a little more in the author’s note in regard to the original story. I decided to write about the gospel of Mark and I know I did not explain the original story well at all in my author’s note! In my opinion, I think that is an easy fix though. Also, I like the whole sci-fi Eden thing you had going on a lot. Your conclusion was excellent and that definitely will set you up for the next story if you decide to continue on with it. I look forward to hopefully reading your continuation of this story! Take care.

  6. Hey Drew! I really liked your stories so far, and not just because they came from your mind and heart :) I read and gave feedback for your elephant story already a few weeks ago, so I'll just comment on your Adam and Eve story this time. I think it was a cool idea to have the main characters end up waking up from a simulation. Bailey's comment above about adding more to the end of the story after removing or editing some parts in the beginning is a solid idea and something you can think about. The title "Adam and Eve in Simulated Paradise" may be giving too much away and if you want to have the twist of them waking up hit a little harder, you could consider changing it to something more ambiguous. But so far I think your portfolio is coming together really nicely and I'm looking forward to reading more from you!

  7. Hi Drew, great job with your project so far! I love how creative and experimental you have been with your stories, and I think a portfolio was a great way to accomplish that rather than a storybook. For the first story, I agree with many commenters that the Biblical retelling portion of the story could be reduced and more information on the simulation project could be given. On the other hand, leaving it on a mysterious note could work too, but maybe incorporate more hints that the characters are in a simulation (other than the blinding light?) if you go that route. Right now it feels like a retelling of the Bible story with a quick sci-fi ending attached, but I think making one of those edits will help a lot. Overall, that story is super creative and philosophical, which I enjoy. I also liked your second story. I especially thought the name thing was a cool idea—I had no idea where the names came from until I read your author’s note. I was a little confused about the setting since the whole story is dialogue. Since it does take place in a unfamiliar future society, maybe adding some description would help. Overall you have a very unique portfolio that I loved going through!

  8. Hey Drew! I really like your writing style! I read "An Elephant Never Forgets" and thought it was written wonderfully! It was really cool how they broke the fourth wall and knew they were the ones in the story (at least that's what I thought haha). It was really cool reading a story about how man tamed animals. At the end where man was able to make their own creatures, I wonder what they looked like? Having the elephants finally live in peace was a good way to end it as well. I look forward to reading more stories from you!

  9. Hey Drew!
    I personally loved the way you retold the story of Adam & Eve! As a Catholic myself, I enjoy all the stories of the Bible and the story of Creation is one of my all time favorites. One thing I could suggest is that on your author's note, you could be a bit more detailed as it is a way of explaining the background of your story. I noticed that Adam was a bit quick to give the apple of Eve and I know that in the original story, there is a lot of struggle that goes on before eating the forbidden fruit. Also, I do believe you should keep in mind that this is YOUR story. You dictate how the story flows whether it follows the original story directly or not. However, I would like to see you put more emphasis on why or how the character is behaving such way rather than missing on some of the important details. Overall, I really enjoyed your storybook and I can't wait to read more!

  10. Hi Drew,
    I definitely want to read your other stories. Is there a connection between each story, or are they all creations and worlds of their own? It would be helpful to see that in the introduction to know whether or not to analyze the stories together to draw a more thorough connection or just to enjoy them separately for what they are.
    "Adam and Eve in Simulated Paradise" was wonderful. I love how you kept the Biblical terminology, the wording and some strong allusions to the Bible. For a reader who is familiar with Genesis the beginning of your story feels very nostalgic. However, you completely threw me for a loop at the end - the simulation came out of nowhere! What a cool idea. I did not quite get the idea of that this organization is trying to make it so Adam and Eve never leave the garden until I read the author's note.. if you have a little more space, or could condense somewhere else, maybe add some thought process about how they have to get out of there? Or is it following an Edge of Tomorrow vibe where they keep waking up to the blinding lights until someone can get them out, which no human ever can?
    This is a really unique and creative story. I'm impressed!

  11. Hey Drew,
    I like how you set the first story up. The detail about God knowing their love comes from Him and also that Adam's creativity comes from God contributes to the character of God. It supports a phrase that I have heard "all good things come from God." I am curious what caused the two to separate in the first place (Adam and Eve)? I assume it was because Eve wanted to gather fruit for them, but I could also see it being something else that led to the separation. Ah yes, the serpent mostly answers my question, but I still wonder why Eve chose to not be with Adam and God. Oh how the serpent is manipulative. A great portrayal of the serpent and an origin for the feeling of temptation. I absolutely love the ending to this story. I was thinking there was not a huge twist leading up to it, but that ending delivered a great original idea. The idea of a group trying to find people to pass such a test is intriguing. Now I'm curious about the Eden Project. Anyhow, great story Drew and a wonderful job putting your twist to it.

  12. Hey Drew,

    Such creativity with the binary statements. I really like the touch and I appreciate the translation at the bottom of the page even more. Is there significance to the rainbow? That is after Noah.. do they time-travel as well? Just ideas for future stories.
    You are a great writer. I just worked on adding action beats in fictional writing to diversify the dialogue and paint a better picture for the reader. Now that I'm looking for it and recognize it, you seem to add those naturally. If you try to, great job. For example, "John's hand lost its grip. Alex's tightened. They both looked down to see what went wrong," adds so much suspense to the story. It exemplifies how they feel and shows the reader something is coming up without SAYING it. That's some good stuff.
    Anyways... the story was quite interesting, but I didn't see how it connected at all until the author's note. And the author's note is one of the best explanations I have read. It tied it all together beautifully. I hope you write another.

  13. Hey Drew,
    This is actually my first time visiting your project and WOW it looks really great. I see you have done a lot of work with your project given you have three completed stories on there. The first thing I noticed is how creative you are with each of your writings. On story one you had a great use of dialogue which was great for keeping the reader focuses. I also noticed how well your paragraphs are spaced which is actually the focus of this week. On each of your stories I had no problem understanding the flow which is great when it comes to paragraphing. I am looking forward to seeing how you do with your fourth story coming soon. I think my favorite story was story 2, I think thats really neat you implemented a code as well as a translator in your stories. You are very creative. Hope you have a great rest of the semester, keep up the good work!


Reading Notes, Inferno: Part B

  This story is part of the  Dante's Inferno unit . Story source:  Dante's Divine Comedy , translated by Tony Kline (2002) I read th...